Self esteem

Get fit and quit ‘I’m trying’

So last year myself and partner decided to book ourselves onto the Suncebeat excursion happening in the beautiful European destination of Croatia. This wonderful event is taking place in July and to say I’m excited is an understatement , I’ve been prepping potential hairstyles, outfits and researching things to do (I’m a real holiday geek) and I’m actually one of those people who enjoy the pre holiday preparations. Part of this preparation has also been to get into shape or should I say ‘beach body ready’, as slim as I am I’m actually quite jelly and I’m by no means half as fit *like don’t ever ask me to run for that bus* . After having two kids and years of eating badly, smoking and mass consumption of alcohol at those infamous ‘ladies nites’ I have effectively ruined the temple that God has given me. So what had initially set off as a vanity project has in essence become a lifestyle make-over. My other half is a gym bod so he has been really on helping me with my meals and on what supplements I should take and after falling off the wagon himself he has found a re-motivation for getting his body in shape too. I must say it can be a little daunting as I’m actually trying to gain muscle yes! PUT ON WEIGHT! I can hear the boos from here lol But it’s true you wouldn’t believe the sort of puzzled looks I get and cynical remarks from the ‘know-it-alls’ As if to say all slim woman are slim because we starve ourselves pah!! That may true in European culture but I’m from a Caribbean background mate and you ain’t seen as ‘helty’ if you’re slim.

One of Chef Gaillard's lunchtime Specials

One of Chef Gaillard’s lunchtime Specials

Feelin the burn!!

Feelin the burn!!

Netherless I’m determined this time (I say this time as I’ve ventured down the gain weight route before) to really see it through and not just to get a buff booty either- I’m talking get that healthy tight fit ,the sort of fit where you can see it by the glow from my skin. It’s crazy how this has really had a knock on effect to my other lifestyle habits. Take the smoking for instance I was doing some plyometrics (jumping on boxes to you) and I swear I could literally feel my heart pushing through all the gunk that these cigarettes be putting in my body and from that moment I was like ‘uh huh I can’t do the fag thing anymore!’ So I’ve invested in an electric one to help me with the weaning process. Its a really great journey though and it ties in so neatly with my natural hair journey too. As I now watch what I put in my hair I also watch what I put into my body. However it’s not easy and there are days when I’m just like “I’ll suck my belly in when that camera comes out” But then I look at the little definition that’s started to take shape on my thighs and how much better I feel after a park workout and I know that this is a good choice for me whether in 8 weeks time I’m beach ready on not.

Love me, love my hair

When I first did a Big Chop back in the summer of 2012 I was pregnant and stressed. My once nourished relaxed hair had become a dry, thin, limp mess and quite frankly I was left with the option of wearing a hideously unrealistic wig or to continue fighting with the unfair hormonal in-balance that my pregnancy was insisting I deal with. After searching the net I uncovered ‘natural hair’ and armed with a little boast from the sistas I went to my nearest natural hair salon and cut it all off. My sense of liberation soon turned to dread as I realised I no longer had the safety net of ‘my hair’ and was faced with dreaded question “Am I still sexy?”… Now before you go all India Arie on me yes, I know I’m more than my hair and yes it is the ‘inside that counts’ but I wasn’t convinced (yet) I mean relaxer and weaves are all I’ve known from the age of 14 and in the midst of all of this I still wanted to be appealing to my man. For so long I’d associated glamourous hair with silky long tresses and not coily, loud Afros. Call me ignorant I call it ‘not yet enlightened’. So as soon as I could I was back to relaxing my locks quicker than you can say ‘has she had the baby yet?’

Me and my many  many many hairstyles

Me and my many many many hairstyles

Fast forward to January 2014 and I’m longing for another change of hair. A discussion with my partner left me utterly surprised when he told me he loved my 2012 twa. He told me he loved the fact I ‘appeared’ to be confident in my own skin and was shocked when I told him I actually hated that hair phase because I felt so unfeminine and unappealing. I told him I wanted to embark on real natural hair journey this time using protective styles as a medium to change things up but that I wanted no chemical manipulation of my natural texture and he was so supportive that on that very evening I let him do my big chop for me ( yes I was scared he’d go too low). Ladies, it was a beautiful moment to have the man you love fully support a decision that very often can turn the average man off ( we’ve all heard the looking like a man comments). The benefits are even better too he can touch my hair uninterrupted (no under weave cornrows in the mix) AND I get impromptu head massages wooo hooo!

8 weeks in he’s still loving it even when I’m mad cause my curl pattern isn’t looking too fierce. He told me he loves the non conformatity of my natural hair, the fact that when we go out I could be the only near bald headed woman in the room but I’m still ROCKIN IT… And then it hit me it’s my CONFIDENCE that he finds so attractive and y’know he’s right I am feeling incredibly sexy. The discovery I’m on right now is amazing Im so excited to see my hair in 3 months 6 months from now.I feel comfortable with my choice to BIGCHOP this time because it’s not been forced upon me because I have damaged hair but because I’ve realised that my natural hair texture isn’t something to be embarrassed about- this is was what being the true Esther is all about.

Enjoying one of my many head massages!

So Girl, if your thinking of big-chopping or just letting your natural hair see the light of day go for it! Your sexiness/attractive-ness should stem from your confidence NOT your hair, after all YOU are what makes up the finer details of you *insert India Arie lyrics here*

Taking the plunge

So I’ve been meaning to create a blog for sometime but have been putting it off – why? Because I’ve not been sure if what I’ve got to say will be interesting to “followers”. A mixture of insecurities and not enough narcissism perhaps have kept me from doing so until however I decided to BIGCHOP a little over a month ago. Being a black woman in the UK I’ve been beset with images of “acceptable’ ideals of black beauty even my parents we’re bemused as to why I’d want to go back to my ‘roots’. But to be honest I’m excited having emerged myself in natural related style blogs and info I’ve uncovered a world that I never thought possible Yes! At 33 years of age I’ve discovered and am discovering MY hair. Versatility, sophistication, not looking like a 7 year old version of myself has been eye

My Twa

My Twa

opening to say the least not to mention my view on how I’m changing my use of language when addressing my daughter’s mix of straight strands and tight coils. This has been a re-education of myself and everything that I’ve become accustomed to and I can’t wait! Don’t get me wrong I still love my 24 inch of premium Peruvian and Poetic Justice style braids – I just want to do it all without the chemicals without that burning sensation to get that ‘perfect straightness’ remaining authentically me and realising that me is actually enough 🙂